Real Strength

Last week was not a good week. I was short on patience and it seemed the harder I tried the worse things went. I couldn't seem to pull it together for anything. Well, exteriorly things were fine, we did our schooling, meals were cooked and the house was clean but my mothering was, in a word, horrid. I tried to start new every day. I listened to myself and cringed. I could think of my actions and thoughts and knew that they were not helpful or good. Yet, I couldn't seem to get out of that pattern of behavior. Of course at the same time I am seeing some behaviors from the children that were wholly unacceptable and finding that I am fighting myself thinking the only way to resolve this is to become tougher. Obviously those two ideas don't mesh and I found myself only increasing my modelling of those very behaviors I was trying to stop. Children are very often our mirrors and sadly mine were screaming and speaking nasty and mean words all too much.


As happens whenever things become desperate I came to the point of giving up, in the sense that knowing I couldn't do it on my own anymore. I had to stop trying, it wasn't in me. So, I gave it up. I gave it up to God. I realized that no, I couldn't do it but I could do anything through Jesus. If Jesus can conquer death than helping me to be a good Mother, must be but a trifle task. Going about my day with that in mind and my faith in place has made all the difference. I think God knew that I needed that reminder, prayers for faith can be answered in many ways.

So, this week has been much smoother. I have increased my expectations, for the kids, and for myself. Whatever I expect for them I should expect that much and more for myself. I am so thankful to God for that reminder and the renewed vigor to try and be a better mother.